These Feverish Words

Okay, I'm having some MAJOR issues here.

First of all, I'm sure that I'm trying much to hard to find a guy. Everywhere I am, I'm looking for someone to be with. And it's getting me nowhere anyway. And what's up with the guy that I really started to fall for? I told him I had a crush, and he said we should just be friends. So that's done. And yeah, he would have been great, but he would have never been The One. I even asked myself if I thought he ever could be, and even before he told me no I had already thought about many things that would prevent us from being very serious. But I just ignored myself because I wanted so badly to have someone. I still do.

But why? This is what I have been contemplating for a few days now and I think I have the answer.

It's Travis. I've been thinking about him a lot since the conversation we had, and I've been feeling really bad for him. I genuinely want to be there for him. And I know I shouldn't have overreacted the way that I did. But trying to talk to him would be devastating for me.

Sometimes I think that if he ever came up with some grand spectacle to get me back, I would be with him. But I still don't feel like I would ever fully forgive him. And that's not healthy. But he's still the only person I can see myself marrying and growing old with. He's still who I want my kids to look like. And that's my problem. Because all of this was going away. Until he started talking to me again. Until he explained WHY he needed to break the silence. Because now I can't hate him. Now I feel badly for him and others close to him. Now I want to help. And what's worse is that I feel guilty.




And you know what? I may regret posting this in the morning because I might just want to keep on ignoring myself. But it needs to be said. And if being deliriously sick and exhausted is going to make me hear myself, then so be it.

These Uncommon Words

Dear Netflix,

This is just wrong!



In what way are The Departed and Knocked Up ANYTHING alike?

These Slurped Words

So I've been horribly sick. Like, I was in bed at 7:23 on a friday night, and I slept 13 hours like it was nothing. I left my house to stop by the bank and sit on a couch for a measly 4 hours yesterday, and I felt like I was going to DIE. I haven't been this sick since I got Strep Throat in high school. Because of all of this, I haven't had the energy to sit up long enough to type a post. Or to think. At all.


However, this very special occasion call for a post. Today's date is 7/11, people. Have you put two and two together yet? Yes, I'm talking about the convenience market! On 7/11 they give out FREE slurpees! Sure, the cups are only 7.11 ounces (cute, huh?) but they are FREE. And you can go back as much as you want.

Last year at this time, I was in Washington with my family and Travis. Travis and I took a road trip up there to visit my family. It was both wonderful to see my family, and horrible to have to deal with my stepdad. Anyway, this is what led to me finding out about this wonderful day. We stopped at a 7-11 to get snacks on the way to my sister's softball tournament and stumbled upon FREE slurpees. {are you getting the picture yet? I love free stuff.] Since she had multiple games, we went back and forth from the hotel to the tournament about 4 times that day. And you know what? We got slurpees EVERY SINGLE TIME. That's pretty much equal to a large slurpee, right?

Moral of the story: Go get your free slurpees. end of story.

These Crushing Words

I think this is the first time I've fallen really hard for a guy in a very long time. I can say that I like him, but it's a very weird feeling because I am totally unsure of where he's at. The most flirty thing he's ever said to me was after I told him that I enjoyed being around him, he said "me too. :)" But I don't have any idea what that means because I don't know him outside of work. And I also don't know how to get to know him outside of work.

I'd like to think that I am pretty outgoing and will speak my mind, but when it comes to this kind of thing, I just can't do it. I get so nervous that it will ruin my life if he rejects me. Because, let's face it, my self esteem is building up, but it's also very fragile and can crack at a moments notice.

I also think that it's very hard for me to push forward with something that I genuinely feel is a good thing, because I'm afraid of trying to move on only to have Travis come back into my life, whether I let him or not. Because lately he's been forcing his way in and I can't really do anything about it. I really want to be stable within myself before getting into something else.

But all of this is premature because I don't even know if he likes me. Hell, he could be gay!

These Birthday Words

Happy Birthday, Alisse!



You will always be my best friend, even if we haven't talked in 6 months. I'll be here for you when you grow up. Until then...

These Dear Words, Part Deux

An Open Letter To Reid Rosenthal:

You are one of the most beautiful creatures on this planet. Please fall out of love with Jillian and into love with me. And smile for me every single day. I would love you forever if only for that smile. And maybe a little acoustic guitar. So leave the show and come find me in sunny Southern California. I won't even date other guys while we fall in love. And I'll promise to choose you!

XOXO,
Your Secret Admirer




Fuck You Wes Whatever:

You are lower than dirt. You are the reason why girls don't trust nice guys. Because there's ALWAYS something that's too good to be true with guys like you, isn't there? Why couldn't you have just given yourself up when Jillian asked you for the Billionth time? Then Maybe Michael would have had a chance, because he WAS IN LOVE WITH HER! You are just an asshole that is talking it WAAY to far for your carreer. People know you now. They heard your band. And it's really funny because now anyone who has any compassion whatsoever would never ever want to spend money on an asshat who doesn't care about ANYONE but himself. You are dead to me.

P.S. To Wes' girlfriend: You either need to dump his ass, or you have an equally horriffic character. You choose.

Always,
Disgusted in Cali


Dear Jillian Harris,
You are never going to find the love of your life with those rose-colored glasses you have going. Ed chose work over you. If he did it once, he'll do it again. WES IS A FUCKING LIAR. He doesn't even like you. He has a girlfriend. Multiple people have told you, and you need to GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD. Michael was good for you. A young guy is less of a risk than a liar, or someone who leaves you. Do you want to be an old Cat Lady? I didn't think so. Get it together. It's Kiptyn or Reid. And I pray that you pick Kip, because I want Reid for myself. Please and thanks.

Thank you,
Annoyed Viewer

These Needless Words, Part Deux

Without fail, he never ceases to amaze me with how much he can shatter my very existence.

T: I want to explain why I called
if you care to hear

J: how many times do i need to tell you that I don't want any of it. I want to be done with you. It's not even so much that you don't get to have me as it is that I can't have you. So i'm done putting myself through hell. yet you keep on keeping on. if you insist.

T: fine, nevermind, consider me nonexistent

J: way to make me feel like shit, yet again. thanks for it all.

T: I wasnt trying to make you feel like shit
You shouldnt, you did nothing worng and I understand
I just wanted you to know that I wasnt calling for no reason

J:i know that. i figured out a general reason for why you were calling. it just wasn't worth making myself miserable over.

T:you shouldnt feel like shit, I was going to you because I know deep down you still care even if you dont want to
a general reason?

J:the problems you are/were having. and i do care. but i care m0re about myself.
i am genuinely done with you, i don't feel any need to be with you and i don't even think about you on a daily basis. when i am in such a good place, why would I want to go back to being constantly heartbroken? why wouldn't i want to start fresh with someone who can i can have all we had and more? because i'm ready for it all, and you obviously are not.

T: I am not ready for what?

J: for it all. everything.

T: I am, you have no idea
I just cant explain why
dont know how to say it

J: why what? why you couldnt make up your mind? why you can't detach from your parents? why you let them rule your life? why you hurt me so bad i can't even begin to know how to trust someone else with my heart? or why i just wasnt important enough?
you may be ready now, but it will never be with me.
i told you that i'd never forgive you if you didn't choose me, and i meant it.

T:I think... [edited content]
that is why I couldnt
I didnt want that to one of the last things
I couldnt talk to anyone else about it

J: im sorry. but it really doesn't change anything.

T: I shouldnt have told you, but I couldnt choose you over them at this time
I dont expect it to change anything

J: and you still can't.

T:I just wanted to explain
You are just one of the few people in my life to have actually ... [edited content]

J: and now, now i get to live with the heartache until i can get to the point where i don't think about you again. all from this little chat where you decided to bring your life into mine again. after i repeatedly told you that i didn't want it. i cant do anything to change it or help. not for the sake of my sanity or anyone elses.

T: but it doesnt matter
I shouldnt have told you, its not your burden
I apologize, I just didnt know where else to turn that night

J: you are right. i would have gladly taken it on six months ago. but you didnt trust me enough with the information then. and now it's over because of that.
at least now i know that it wasn't because i wasnt good enough. probably the only positive thing to come out of this conversation. at leat now i might be able to convince myself that someone else can love me.

T: Its not that I didnt trust you, its that I didnt know what to say, no one else knows
Jenn, I loved you with everything, you were and are an amazing woman, I take on full responsibility for all pain, so go. Be happy. Love again. I want you to because you deserve it. For all my shit you dealt with and are dealing with, you deserve everything you want and more
All I ask is that you never mention what I told you. This is the last time I will ever have contact with you unless you want contact with me in the future.
Goodbye. I tried. I really did, I just wish I was better. For you, because you are the greatest prize I could dream of.

J: why the fuck did you tell me? why are you doing this to me? i was doing so good. i didn't hate you. but i didn't love you. i didn't feel the need to say anything to you.
i just dont understand why you have to be the one to say it's done before it's really done? why couldn't you have just let it be?
i was already way past my point of comfortable when i got the box and realized that you had to be in town to leave it.

T:What has changed?

J: you fucking told me that ...[edited content]
you wrapped everything up in a tight little "im sorry" bow. you told me to go and be happy. you fucking ruined everything.
and nothing has changed and that's the point.
i didn't need to tell you when my grandma passed away, or that i've been taking care of beth in the hospital the past week because she has cancer and epilepsy and a cyst in her brain and needs a hysterectomy. i didn't call you when i moved my grandad out of his house and knew i was never going to see inside it again. i didn't call you when i was holding my great grandmas ashes in my hands without even knowing it.

T: Well, you have always been stronger than me

J: and all of that pales in comparison to just writing the words "I just don't need it anymore. So yeah, I talked to him. And yeah, it kinda really hurt. A lot. But you know what? It's kinda like the feeling I get when I know someone died. I just know he isn't going to be in my life anymore."

T:You were my rock, and before you, it was [edited content], so I dont have one anymore, no one to rely on

J: and then getting this semi-truck of a message.

T: Well fuck, I am sorry for fucking ruining your god-damned life. FUCK. I guess I am a terrible fucker who deserves this eh? Why the fuck do I even exist because apparently all I do is fucking hurt those around me, I am fucking sorry. Just realize, getting that message doesn't fucking blow as having to write it and read it and realize, "What happens when [edited content]? Who will I have?"
I just wanted an ounce of mother fucking sympathy and then I was out forever

Travis Curtis has gone offline.

J: i never even cried during a single one of those moments. a tear never fell. yet now, somehow, i'm balling. and i am sorry. but i have so much anger toward all three of you. so much. and it's not going to go away. because no one can ever fix the hole i will always have in my heart. i just wanted to forget about it.

The person is not currently online.

J: You don't get to run away from me, You wanted this conversation.

T: I get the anger. I do. And keep being angry do whatever. i just wanted a time out for help. but that was too much i guess.

J: it really is. you chose to have nothing, remember? there are no timeouts in real life.

T: You aren't the only one with a hole, jenn. I cry almost daily. No medication can make me happy.
It doesn't feel real, would you have been able to choose differently?

J: yes, without a doubt. [edited content] I would have given up ANYTHING for you. Anything.

T: My lease sits on my desk in LA. unsigned. because signing it is giving you away.

J:You already did that. you let me go. and you let me think it was because of me. or even because of you. i don't know what you are waiting for.

T: You said that you would move if I was willing to do the same, but i already moved back for you once. i got fucked.
I am done. And I hope this past year has been a dream or that i just don't wake up. goodnight and sweet dreams starshine.

J: goodbye.


And I hope that's the end, but Fuck. Things are going to be hard again for a while.

These Needless Words

Travis texted me today while I was at the hospital. It went like this.

T: Something for you on your doorstep, kind of.

J: Why are you doing this?

T: It's just something that I owed, that's it.

J: What is it? No games.

T: Case of rockstar and some water balloons because I want you to hit John on the fourth for me.

J: Please stop. I'm doing fine without you. I don't need any of this. You don't want all of me, you can't have any. bottom line.

T: It's for Brandy. I know you are fine. I didn't stop by to say hi. I just left it there and told you. Nothing else.

J: But you didn't need to bother. And the water balloons are unnecessary. And the midnight calls and the IMs about my dog...I could go on. It's enough.

T: The call was because I was alone and... nevermind. It's not important.

J: Good. I'll never call you. You know that. it's really over. Let it be. Goodbye.

T: Then why text me back? Why not just let me have told you something was out for you. You could have tossed it.

J: I'm tired of not responding and dealing with what you keep throwing at me.

T: Civility is all I ask.

J: I'm being civil, I think. I don't want you in my life, though. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I just don't need it anymore. So yeah, I talked to him. And yeah, it kinda really hurt. A lot. But you know what? It's kinda like the feeling I get when I know someone died. I just know he isn't going to be in my life anymore. I will always love him and think fondly on our times, most of them anyway, but I don't need it. Because we will never change.

These Drowned Words

There was a party for my Mom's Godparent's 50th wedding anniversary, so I went. I used to be best friends with their younger daughter, Michelle, but never got along with the older one, Kristina. They had a pool put in, so it was a swimming party and everyone was having tons of fun.We were all going to get ready to go eat dinner, so everyone was getting out of the pool. One of the hoses in the pool broke off and so I jumped back in to fix it. Just then, Kristina comes out of nowhere and pushes me all the way down to the bottom of the pool, to act like she was drowning me. She used to do this to me as a child, but hasn't in years. And she used to let me up rather quickly.

I was under the water for what seemed like at least 5 minutes. And I think I passed out. I heard everyone telling her to let me up and that it wasn't funny anymore. they kept calling my name and asking if I was okay, but it was all a joke to them. I was tapping her leg to let me up but I couldn't do anything. When she finally let me up she had the biggest grin on her face and just walked away to get out of the pool.

I stormed into the house, ready to take a shower and get the fuck out of there, but I couldn't take one. And she was laying with her husband in the room right across from the bathroom, the room where all my stuff was. She asked me if I was okay, I told her to fuck off. She said that it was just a joke, I exploded.

"You could have fucking killed me. I'm not a child anymore. Why don't we just go back to hating each other, it was better that way anyway. I didnn't have to pretend to like you. and you didn't have to pretend to like me. And all of this is still because of Nick, which is pretty obvious by now that it wasn't my fault!"

Her husband asked who Nick was. I just stood there. He yelled at her, "Who is Nick, Kristina?" She started to talk as I walked away, still fuming. "He is Chris' brother, we dated for..."



and then I woke up.

These Graced Words | 83.365

1. I met a cute boy today. Actually, I met him yesterday, but I talked to him today. Baby steps! I might see him tomorrow, at the hospital. He works there. He wears a ring, but he said it's for a girl that's in Afghanistan. I was bummed. But as soon as I left him alone with Beth, he said that when she comes back to the hospital, she should call him to help her, and that she should bring me with her.
2. Beth got out of the hospital today! and she's staying the night with me tonight.
3. I dreamed that I told Carlos, aka cute coworker, I like him. God I wish I could tell him that in real life. I have no balls.
4. Days off are always good, even if you spend them in the hospital.
5. This was all I needed to hear from my cousin: "I thank you for what you are doing I appreciate it and I love you more than you know."



I challenge you to 365 days of Grace in Small Things because life is short.