These Reluctant Words

Last night Tim and I were supposed to go to Bakersfield so that he could get tattooed. We were literally on our way out of town and his friend, the tattoo artist, called and cancelled on him. So instead we went and wasted time around Palmdale. While we were out there I was texting my cousin Karrlea. Karrlea told me that the "good" family, meaning everyone that I love most, was coming over to her house to play monopoly. I really wanted to hang out with my family, but I also really wanted to hang out with Tim. Karrlea said that I should bring Tim. I told tim about it, and he said he would be down to go. I didn't even want to go there, but I reluctantly agreed.

The thing is, it's only been a week and two days since we started hanging out. And yes, things have been progressing rather quickly but at the same time, I knew it was just too soon. In my gut, I was scared. What happens if we don't end up actually getting together? My family gets attached to guys really easily. Or rather, they are still VERY attached to Travis. And Christina even mentioned that it was still hard for her to see me with someone else. Not to mention, they kept calling him my boyfriend. And Kaylee [who LOVES him, which is completely out of her character] even told Tim that he loves me a lot, but that I don't love him. I thought that was incredibly hilarious, and it kind of makes me sad. Because I don't want it to seem that way. Kids say the darndest things and all, but there's always something to it. And I like him so much it scares me. But it doesn't change my thoughts about Europe.

And it's not even that I want to go hook up with bunches of guys in Europe. Because that's not the truth at all. I just know all about long distance relationships. Been there, done that. And I don't want to deal with the pressure. I don't want to have to worry about how or when I'm going to call him and about constantly explaining myself. And don't even get me started on the jealousy. On both ends, I'm sure. It's just a toxic situation for a new relationship.

But as for right now, there's nothing I'd like more than to be his girlfriend. I've been having fun being single, but there's nothing better than having someone there. And I want that someone to be Tim.

This has been kind of all over the place, but that's how I feel.

[I know that this post is about an hour late, but I haven't gone to bed yet, so I'm going to make my own exception and say that it is still Sunday night. And I'm going to schedule it as so.]

These Graced Words | 112.365

1. Coldstones.
2. The Lost Symbol.
3. Hanging out with Tim, even though plans changed a milion times. Honestly, every moment is better with him in it.
4. Game night with my family.
5. Tim meting the most important people to me. It's scary that things are happening so fast, but it weirdly makes me more happy then scared.

I challenge you to 365 days of Grace In Small Things because life is short.

These Worried Words

I really like Tim. It feels like we've packed months worth of emotions into one amazing week. And I don't want it to end. All of that was to preface this statement: I'm worried.

I've been worrying about a lot of things, but mostly I'm worried about falling for him. We're just dating right now, nothing too serious. And that's how it should be after only a week. But there are 10 weeks until I leave for Europe and during 3 of those weeks, one of us will be out of state. That leaves 7 weeks. Which isn't exactly enough time to form a solid foundation for a relationship, but it's enough time to fall. I'm not saying that will happen, I'm just scared that it might.

I already made a deal with myself that no matter what happens, I'll be single in Europe. I've held onto my dream for long enough as it is. I didn't go when I first wanted to because Travis shut me down. He basically talked me out of it, and I'm sure it was for selfish reasons. But look what happened? It didn't work. I'm not going to do anything to sabotage this experience. I might be paying for it forever, but It's going to be worth it. Nothing's going to stop me.

And that brings me back to Tim. I don't know what's going to happen. It might end in a few weeks, or it might be something worth seeing through. No one really knows. And I've held strong to the "we'll cross that bridge when we get there" mentality. But that doesn't mean that I'm not constantly thinking about it in the back of my mind.

These Anonymous Words

I've been thinking a lot lately about how my writing is affected because of the fact that I do not write anonymously, and because people that I know and care about read this blog. Even before Tim came into the picture it was rolling around in the back of my head, but I guess I didn't really have a reason to delve any deeper into that thought until now. When Tim and I first had lunch, it had completely slipped my mind that he read my blog. Then, one night, he mentioned that he read about it on my blog and I had a mini freak out. I was talking to my family at the time and I was like, "WHAT DO I DO??" Of course, no one in my family even remotely knows anything about blogging other than how to post one on myspace and that I do it. I had this huge post about Tim all thought up in my head. How I would introduce him, explain everything, and all about my thoughts at the moment. Looking back, I wish I'd written it anyway. But I was scared. Because my raw, honest thoughts have gotten me in trouble before. I didn't want him to read it and take offense or be hurt. Because sometimes I just write to write. Sometimes I am thinking up things as I write and I might just try an idea out by writing about it. A lot of the things I write about don't hold much weight in my life. I don't live by my ideas, I live by my actions. And that's what most people that know me IRL don't get.

But what I am trying to say here is that ultimately, my writing does suffer when I know someone I'm writing about will be reading. It's a censored version of what I really am thinking. Much like the way a conversation would go IRL, so do these posts. I could be having this inner monologue like, "Man, orange is NOT her color," or "He is the most adorable human being, wait... stop staring, you're being creepy. Pay attention to what he's saying. Smile, nod." Hypothetically. But just because those thoughts are running around in my head, it doesn't mean that I want them to know that I'm thinking that. I don't want them to be hurt or embarrasses, and I don't want to embarrass myself.

Then there's the possibility that people I haven't met yet are reading this blog. People who might possibly be part of my life in the future, for example, a future employer, the future family of a guy I'm dating, or possible friends. And what if they get a bad impression from this blog before I even meet them? Before I really even get a chance to show the real me they've already read about my WORST DAY EVER freak out or something inevitably bad that just happened to post that day.

And then... there's the scariest thing of all. The possibility that someone from my family reads this that I don't speak very favorably of. [i.e. my father, my stepfather, his brother... I could go on.] It's not hard to google my name and find this blog. What if they've been reading all along and I don't even know it. And that could be said of anyone in my life. It's a scary thought. I never thought that having an outlet to be brutally honest could be so hard to deal with.

But, on the other hand, I wouldn't ever be able to be an anonymous blogger. It feels disingenuous to me. That's not to offend any anonymous bloggers, if it works for you then go for it, but it just doesn't feel right to me. Ultimately, this blog is me. I write for me in the present and for the future. It's cathartic. And it's my written record of my life. I don't get paid, I'm not peddling some new ideas or up and coming organizations. No one profits here but me. If someone wants to read and enjoy my experiences with me, I'm glad. And it makes me happy to do that. But that's why I am not an anonymous blogger. And it's why I never could be. It's too stressful to lie and make up pseudonyms for everyone, including myself, in my life. If someone doesn't like, approve of, or appreciate what I have to say here then it's probably saving us both the trouble anyway. Because I'm real, this is me.

These Graced Words | 111.365

1. I went for a run at the soccer center today. Up and down hills for 1/2 a mile. I wish I could have done a whole one, but I haven't ran in about 3 years. So I'm starting slow. Funny thing is, my lungs are the things that are the most sore. My legs could have gone for days, probably.

2. I'm going on a date tonight, with Tim. We kinda went on a date Sunday night, but this is the first official one with planning and all. 1'm excited.

3. I found all the information for my final piece of paperwork to be signed and filled out. I already sent the transcript off, just to make sure it got there on time. After I mail the last sheet off tomorrow, I will just have to worry about the money. And I'm already in talks for a loan and a cosigner.

4. I found How I Met Your Mother Season 5 online, finally! So I've been catching up since I have so many things recording on Monday nights.

5. People are starting to find out about Tim and I, it's kind of weird. Not bad, just weird. Definitely a first for me.

I challenge you to 365 days of Grace in Small Things because life is short.

These Gossiped Words

I'm in love with this song and video by Anya Marina. They played the song on Gossip Girl last night. I didn't even notice what it was at first, but Tim did and then we both started cracking up. I've been singing it all day and pretty much obsessively talking about it to everyone I know.

These Unexpected Words

Last Thursday I went to lunch with Tim, a friend from high school. We have been talking on facebook for a few months, and one day I randomly got the urge to reconnect. It's not exactly like many people from high school adore me. We texted a little before hand, and there was some light flirting. But that's not exactly outside his character, so I didn't think anything of it. I went into the lunch without expecting anything. Just seeing an old friend.

But what happened was so much more than that.

After lunch, he went back to work. After work, he came over for a movie night. During the movie, we cuddled. At the end of the movie, we kissed. And honestly, I wasn't that into starting something. I was not feeling it very much. I don't know if I was fighting it or not, but I was telling people that it was nothing. It was just a kiss. And I was discussing how it would never work anyway. Now that I look back, I can see how that sounds like I was trying to convince myself. But I honestly felt like it was nothing.

Then he brought me coffee at work on Saturday. And I had plans that night, but they fell through. So he came over to watch True Blood. And we cuddled. And we kissed. And it got pretty hot at one point. And I fell asleep on him at one point. And he left at about 3am. Suddenly, something clicked in my head. I missed him after he left.

On Sunday night, he picked me up and we went to Berrystar. Afterwards, we went back to my house and watched a movie. And we kissed. And we cuddled. And it got pretty hot at one point. But he had to work this morning, so he left at midnight. And then I slept on the side of the bed that he laid on all night because I could smell him after he left.

So now, I have feelings for him. Feelings that I was trying to avoid. I am leaving in 2 months. I can't get into a relationship right now. But it feels really good. And I haven't been this happy or giddy in a long time. I don't know where to go from here, for now I'll just stay right where I'm at.

These Numbered Words

Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:
10. I miss you so much. I just wish you would get your shit together. I just wish I could trust you.

9. I can't wait to see you, to make memories with you.

8. You disgust me. You are possibly the biggest hypocrite I've ever met. I wouldn't mind if I never saw your face again.

7. You said you felt like we were best friends in that moment, I wish we were.

6. Will we ever?

5. I don't really want to see you. I feel like it's my duty. I know it will make you happy. But It just feels like an obligation to me.

4. I don't want anything to do with you. Leave me alone.

3. I don't remember a lot of things that happened back then, sometimes I just pretend to know what I'm talking about.

2. I'm so sorry I did that to you. I didn't know what it meant. Can you ever forgive me? Do you even remember?

1. I love you.

Nine Things About Yourself:

9. I can do the worm.

8. I've never smoked anything.

7. I have daddy issues. And step-daddy issues.

6. I'm a television whore.

5. I can cook. And bake.

4. My family is my rock.

3. I have an unhealthy obsession with Dawson's Creek.

2. I bite my nails.

1. I have three tattoos and six piercings.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

8. Love my family.

7. Romance.

6. Chase me when I run, because I will.

5. Put up with my mess, literally and emotionally.

4. Keep me on my toes.

3. Let me win. At everything.

2. Be comfortable enough to show me the real you.

1. Always be honest. Always.

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind Often:

7. Food. Of all kinds, all the time.

6. Oh My God, I'm going to Europe in 3 months.

5. Things to blog about, but usually they are gone as soon as they come.

4. "That would be an amazing photograph."

3. Money issues. There's never enough.

2. Travis.

1. Lyrics.

Six Favorite Quotes:

6. "I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you, and it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new, and you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade." -Iris, The Holiday

5. There was a boy with skin as dark as the earth & a girl with eyes as blue as the deep & they loved each other so well that people could not tell them apart, for in their hearts, there was no difference between them. -Brian Andreas, Story People

4. No matter how much money you have, it won't ever be enough. Because money isn't enough.

3. Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.

2. Love is all you need.

1. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

Five Turn Offs:

5. Smoking. Anything.

4. Tool-ish behavior. [i.e. anything that might make you seem like you are overcompensating]

3. Any evidence that you might be seeing someone else. I just don't want to know!

2. Trying to control me.

1. Lying.

Four Turn Ons:

4. Good cologne.

3. Nice smile.

2. Making me feel like the only girl in the room.

1. A small amount of geekiness.

Three Words That Describe Your Life:

3. Messy.

2. Lonely.

1. Comfortable.

Two Things You Must Do Before You Die:

2. Travel Europe.

1. Have a happy family of my own.

One Confession:
1. There's nothing I want more than to be in his arms.

These Pumpkin Words

Yesterday, I spent half of the day peeling, chopping, seasoning, cooking, blending, measuring, and baking. All of this is because every year after Halloween, my aunt Brandy takes the pumpkins that she buys for her family to carve and she cooks them. This year, I decided to join in with my own pumpkin so that I could learn the technique.

She peels the skin off, chops them up,

seasons them with a nutmeg/cloves/sugar/brown sugar/cinnamon mixture, and then she cooks them

with butter

until they are tender enough to blend into a puree.

After that, she measures portions out into 3 cups [the size of one can of pumpkin] and freezes them for future use. With a few of the portions, she makes pumpkin bread.

This is the most amazing pumpkin bread you've ever put to your lips. And it's really too bad that I can't share the recipe with you, but it's a secret family recipe that I just got my hands on and I promised not to let out. And because I can't share, all of this was basically just to brag that I have awesome pumpkin bread and you do not! This is the best part of Halloween.

[This is my pumpkin before it was peeled and cut. I drew the stencil, Peace. Love. Harmony.]

These Graced Words | 110.365

1. Listening to Say Anything ...Is A Real Boy. [BTW, I just listened to Crush'd, and I'm so excited for the new album!]

2. Making pumpkin bread/pie/etc. and hanging out with fam.

3. Snowboarding with Steven. And new [purple] bindings.

4. Mimosas.

5. Movie nights with boys.

THIS IS MY 500th POST!!

I challenge you to 365 days of Grace in Small Things because life is short.